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Posts Tagged ‘update’

Wow.  It has been two months since I have posted.

Hmm … what’s going on …

  • BJD is travelling a lot for work.  a.whole.heck.of.a.lot.  As in Monday through Thursday.  Should slow down but I’ll believe it when I see it.
  • We bought our first car here – a Mazda 5.  2 weeks after signing the papers, his company talks about offering him a company car.  Go figure.
  • Bubba Joe is undergoing major assessments for developmental/speech delays.  All of it is related to his hearing loss – oh, I didn’t tell you?  He tests at 70% hearing in his ear with the 5mm hole and 90% in the other.  What’s that you say?  Does he have a hole in his head? Uh, yeah.
  • I am taking German classes.  Semi-privately.  I am having fun.   And learning.  Can’t get much better than that.
  • The end of September marked my dad’s 5 year anniversary.  I didn’t call my family on that day (as I have in the past).  I have come to realize that it is not my responsibility to keep in contact with everyone.  Communication CAN be a two way street.  (In case you didn’t get it, that was oozing, I mean dripping, with sarcasm.)
  • I am going to start working.  Now don’t your panties all in a shuffle (he he I just wanted to see how that looks typed out – not as great as I thought) about me still taking PPD meds and trying to figure things out and numerous appointments with Bubba Joe and oh, yeah, Giant Baby is good too but we’ll get to her … where was I?  Oh.  I am going to start teaching for an hour a week – English at Home – for kids.  Very laid back, just hanging out with kids and speaking english.
  • Giant Baby is being weaned.  She is 19 months old.  She’s not happy about it.  I realize that I have been nursing for 4.5 years now.  And it’s been 5 years since I haven’t really drank or anything (and yes, my math is correct – that’s what I get for being a preemie mom).
  • A whole lot of women I know are pregnant.  I don’t know how I feel.
  • I think I am staying busy with stuff to avoid emotions.  What do you think?  Okay, that really is a rhetorical question.  Don’t answer.
  • Giant Baby is up.  Crying.  It’s 12:30 am here in Münsterland.  Gotta run.  BJD can only do so much.
  • One last comment – I am still knitting – and I am making a present for someone special to me.  (One of my blessed readers – I won’t name names and I won’t post info about what I am making until I am done.  But I wanted to make this person something for over a year – since I learned to knit – and I am finally confident enough in my abilities to gift them something because they are amazing to me.  And I think this person has been in a funk.  At least that’s what I get from their blog.)

And as usual, just when I think I  have wrapped things up, things quiet down downstairs.  That’s okay.  It’s late.  Kirmes is here this weekend – that’s a mini-festival.

Oh yeah, gotta say that I love sliding doors on cars.  And NO it is not a mini-van.  I do NOT do mini-vans.

Got it?

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Here I am, thinking of all the things I should write about, all the excuses for not coming around and the bottom line comes down to me just not wanting to.

You see, it’s nothing personal.

Honest.

I just was working my ass off trying to keep my head above water.

And there was a time when I wasn’t sure I was gonna make it.

Knitting?  It has saved me.

I am officially a knitting fool.  Really.  I am.  I cannnot get over how such a simple thing as string and a stick can make such lovely creations.  There is a planning period, a buying period (always fun in my book), the trial period of casting on and ripping out stitches, and then the knitting.  I take great pleasure in learning new techniques – and as in so many other aspects of my life, I learn the hard way.

Oh I have made many many mistakes.  Even BJD was impressed (his words, not mine) that I was so willing to joyfully rip out stitches that I had so painstakingly knit.

But I knew it would be worth it.

I knew that in destroying my work, I would try to find the reason for my mistake, so I could learn to either 1) avoid it, or 2) more realistically learn to fix it (because I tend to make the same mistakes many times in my life before experiencing that duh! moment).

My postpartum depression is still here.  What can I say about it? Guess I don’t want to say much except to acknowledge its presence in my life.

I think I am turning into a loner.  I mean, being an expat stuck in small town Germany probably doesn’t help much.  But I am enjoying the solitude of knitting.  The aloneness that my depression cannot enter.

I have my first “real” therapy appointment next week.  I truly fear what will come.  I realize now that I have spent the last 4 years in denial of my dad’s death.  I mean, yes, I know he’s gone but moving overseas really helps avoid dealing.

I’d like to give a shout out to Mrs. Spit.  I have been a long time follower of her blog (because I like how she writes).  We are virtual friends, having both survived preeclampsia.  Mrs. Spit – while I was in hiding the past month or so, I thought often of  you and your precious Gabriel.  Your strength and courage (though I realize you did not choose to be strong or to have courage – that choice was not given to you) are a daily reminder to me that life is worth living.

Little Girl is asleep.  In our now family bed.  She is not little anymore.  Bubba Joe and his dad have nicknamed her Giant Baby – as in watch out Bubba Joe – here comes the Giant Baby!  (At 10 months of age she weighs almost 10kg, crawls everywhere and has 8 teeth.  Oh, and she likes to yell at her dad.  wonder where she gets that from???)

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