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Posts Tagged ‘dreams’

Reoccuring Dreams

It all began just over 5 years ago, just after my dad died.

I had dreams so realistic, so emotional, I sometimes wondered if they were dreams or just memories.

Only if they were real they would be awful.

I dreamt last night that my dad was alive.  Again.

He had died.  I did his eulogy.  I led my family in planning the funeral. These things happened in real life and were a part of my past in my reoccuring dream.

But then, somehow, he was alive again.

Walking, talking, alive.  Still sick and dying, but not dead.

And then he died again.  And I am stuck dealing with all these emotions all over again.  The disbelief, the shock, the anger, then overwhelming sadness.

Even as I type, tears stream down my face.

His death was such a significant blow to my immediate family.  It destroyed each of us – my brother, my sister, my mom and I.  We each went our own way in dealing with it.

And I haven’t had to relive this (in a dream) for quite some time.

This dream was an indicator of how deep my depression was and always meant my meds needed to be adjusted.

But I am at the end of it all!  It isn’t fair or right to have this dream again.  I was done with dealing with the grief of losing my father.  How dare I have a dream of him living and dying again??

In this dream, I was surrounded by childhood friends, laughing and having fun.  Then my dad dies.  I am so angry by this that I refuse to participate in the funeral planning, much less give a eulogy.

I woke up from this dream, with the feeling that I had been sobbing for hours – the same feeling I had when my dad did die.  The feeling of sublime reality – is this what my life is to be like from now on?

I hate this dream.  I much prefer the ones where I have to go back to college to finish up a class (in spite of having a graduate degree – which is strange because I keep saying in this dream that I have a graduate degree but that I must finish one class to get my bachelor degree).  Or the classic forgetting your locker combination in high school.

 

 

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What dreams may come … (one of my favorite movies BTW)

It’s normal for me to have vivid dreams. Dreams I remember. Dreams that scare the crap out of me. Dreams that inspire.

Add to that all the wonderful pregnancy hormones and the fear of being considered high-risk and well, you’ve got yourself one dreaming gal.

Last night I dreamt about some past, um, well, let’s call them ex-boyfriends. Well, one specifically. I’ve dreamt about him actually often. But maybe that’s because I’ve often wondered what ever became of him – if he became the man he wanted to be (he was known to be a bit of a player back then) and if his family was still together.

In this dream, there we are, both of us with our families. Pretending not to notice the other because of the past (we didn’t exactly end our relationship on the best of terms). And then at one point I walked straight up to him and told him how I had felt about him through the years. It was an open, honest, raw moment. I haven’t had one of those in a dream in quite some time. (In fact, I think the last time I had such a moment was after my dad died and I dreamt he and I were speaking while he was in heaven … I asked him if he could see and hear us, he had to go ask God, who of course said yes. I asked him if he would continue to be able to do so, he had to go ask God again, who again, said yes. Then I had this sensation of falling and boom! I woke up. Very surreal.)

Back to my dream last night.

So I confronted this ex of mine and told him exactly how I had felt about him through the years. I then shared that in spite of the feelings I had, I was so very thankful to be madly in love with my husband and son.

It was strange. I’ve never tried to verbalize feelings for another man other than my husband. But it’s true that I dated before Bubba Joe’s dad. And I had fun doing so. (I also had my heart trampled on quite a few times, but that was all part of the experience.)

I realized then and there just how much I truly love my husband.

I cannot imagine taking a single step in this life without him by my side.

He has seen me at my best. He’s seen me at my worst. But mostly, from day one, he’s seen through all the walls and barriers that I put up, pretending to be someone I’m not.

He’s helped me to see my gentle side as a side that is strong. And that my weaknesses can be improved upon.

He’s held me up when I fell. He’s carried me what I crumbled. He’s been my source of inspiration on so many levels. (and all this for a guy who was raised atheist … not bad, eh?)

So while I have a tendency to wonder what if about so many things in my life, I do not have regrets. Nope, I don’t regret you, my ex, for all those times we spent together. Because without you, I wouldn’t have found my BJD. And without my BJD, I wouldn’t have found me.

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Such a simple concept

As I was putting Henry down for his nap, I was singing to him …

Go to sleep, little one

the time has come

for you to sleep.

Whatever your dream,

the world is yours

just close your eyes

and it’s yours.

And it hit me.

I am so paranoid about so many things going wrong in this pregnancy. I know, I mean I really do *know* what can happen. I know that I’m at risk for developing preeclampsia again and I know women who’ve lost their beautiful babies because of this shitty disease.

And I’m scared.

Not scared like I was when I held dad’s hand as he died. But scared in another way – scared as a mother, scared as a wife.

But all my fears don’t do anything. What does do something, how I can be proactive, is to close my eyes and dream. Bubba Joe’s Dad and I made this decision to take a leap of faith and try to conceive again.

I’d begun to give up hope, after 9 months of actively trying.

But then we closed our eyes, and dreamed.

Here I am, 10 weeks pregnant.

So many things can go wrong. So many things in my life have gone wrong, but I’m still here, and I’ve made it through hell to return and tell ya’ll that I can do this.

So I’m going to head my own words and let the world be mine.

If anything happens, there’s nothing I can do about it. Preeclampsia has no cure, no diet, no vitamins, nothing that can prevent it if its gonna happen. But I don’t have to let it consume me with fear. Rather, I’m chosing to dream of the pregnancy that I always wanted.

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