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Posts Tagged ‘Berlin’

Berlin Pictures

Here are some pics of the view from our hotel and just out and about in Berlin.  Mind you, we haven’t ventured much more than a few blocks from our hotel, but still, it’s Berlin!

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BJD has to do some fieldwork throughout Germany.  We’ve decided to take the opportunity to do a bit of sightseeing.  In the 10 years since we’ve known each other (yes, it really has been that long!), I’ve seen very little of this country.

So right now, I’m writing from our hotel in Berlin.  Bubba Joe is watching a dvd.  Little Girl is finally asleep.

I plan on writing more about Berlin, but seeing as it has been some time since I’ve updated about me, I’d rather write about that first.

I think one of my last posts was me admitting to myself (and hence, to ya’ll) that I have postpartum depression.

I decided to use this blog as a forum to work through well, work through me.

It’s not something I really want to do.

In fact, I’d be more than happy if I just avoided me.

But the truth is I need to.

I’ve been on meds for just about a month now.  I have a psychiatrist in Dülmen that I saw and who is overseeing my care.  And I met with the oberartzt (chief doc) at a clinic 1/2 drive from us that specializes in postpartum depression.

Thankfully, this time, the depression is not that severe.  We’ve caught it early enough.

I am not going to check into the clinic (at this time).  First off, they specialize in women who have not bonded with their children and are struggling.  That would have been me the first time around.  It was hard to feel close to Bubba Joe.  Even though his NICU stay was relatively short, it was still a NICU stay.  And he was a very colicky, hypersensitive, preemie.  It was ridiculously difficult for me to come to terms with it all.  Add to that experience the recent loss of my dad and my family as I knew them changing drastically and well, the recipe for depression was there.

This time though, I’m mostly overwhelmed.  I just can’t seem to find my footing.  There’ll be one good day and that sets the standard.  Then the next day comes and it is SO opposite the day before that I just crash.  And burn.  And then melt down.

I always expected that with depression, I’d feel, well depressed.

Nope.  Not me.

I feel angry.

and alone.

and pissed off at stupid things.

and alone.

and too needed by everyone.

So I just shut down.

~~~~~~

I have household help.  Six hours a day for this week and next initially.  The doctor will prescribe it again for longer so that I am covered until my sister comes in.

We have the same  woman who Bubba Joe absolutely LOVES.  He cries when he wakes from his nap and I have to tell him that she went home to her children (who are teenagers BTW).

Oh yes, this is the woman that I didn’t like at all.  Not when she first came to work with us.  But I soon realized how much my son adored her.  And that my dislike of her was my insecurities.  Makes me wonder how many people I’ve met who I judged quickly because of me, not them …

~~~~~~

I’m exhausted.  This time it’s a physical (on top of the all-around emotional exhaustion that PPD encompasses).

Bubba Joe started running a fever the night before we left.

Dude.

Seriously.

A fever.

The night before.

Ridiculous.

Fortunately it was low-grade.

We left anyway.

Gave him motrin and tylenol.  It’s all good.

He did great the whole car trip.  Five hours total.

Little Girl did too.

Until the last 1/2 hour.  Go figure.

Then I squished my butt between their 2 carseats to try to entertain her.

She’s screaming on my right.  We’re literally ALMOST there.  To stop and take care of her will take at least an hour.  We push it.

We pull into the city and what do you think happens?  Bubba Joe throws up.

All over himself.

all that … I’ll spare you the details.  Let’s just say gross.

We visited with G and company then headed home.

Took a while to get everyone settled in.  Bubba Joe took a bath (not willingly).  I quickly showered to get the smell of spit up (a constant for us – that’s what you get with a reflux baby) as well as the smell of puke off me.

Little Girl finally crashed.  Bubba Joe crashed.  I crashed.

Now she’s asleep.  By now, hopefully Bubba Joe is too.

I’m off for a nap.

Stupid allergies.  Killing me.  Add to that I think I have a cold.

Enough wallowing in my own misery.  🙂

I’m off to rest.

I promise to update ya’ll more … and hopefully soon with pics of the city.

For all of ya’ll here in Berlin that I won’t get to visit, know that I’m thinking of you.  And for G and company, thanks for entertaining us!!!

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Sitting at home, in Duelmen, instead of in Berlin

and why?

Because I’m not feeling that great.

I haven’t been all week, but I just chalked it up to not getting enough sleep. (I tend to get anxious just before a big event – like getting cloth diapers, or visiting friends, or a big meeting …)

But nope. I’m just feeling crappy.

We were supposed to have taken the fast train yesterday out to Berlin to hang out with some amazing (newish) friends and celebrate Thanksgiving.

But nope.

We’re sitting at home, bored out of our minds. Knowing that had we taken that train, we’d be having a blast.

I asked Bubba Joe’s dad to call my high-risk doc today though – just needed to find out what to do just in case. There’s not one specific thing that has me feeling icky – I am nauseous but can eat. I feel a bit crampy sometimes too. And at both my midwife and my regular OB appointments they commented that my belly was hard (which I only later learned COULD be an indicator of preterm labor).

They (the high-risk docs office) gave him what to watch out for.

***sigh***

But I really wanted to be overwhelmed with Berlin … looking at the wide selection of english books, the sheer joy of being in Berlin, hanging out with amazing people, Bubba Joe having fun too.

I have a headache now too … I think I’ll go lay down.

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