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Archive for July, 2011

My niece has been visiting for the past month.  We had planned on attending an opera in Münster last weekend, but the traffic back from our family reunion was horrific, so we missed the opera.

To make it up to her, I found some tickets via groupon for the Cirque Bouffon, a cirque neuveau, along the style of Cirque du Soleil.

One word.  Amazing.

It was an intimate setting, with one big tent and seats all around.  Every seat was a good seat.

I won’t tell you much about the storyline, but I will tell you that it was the most impressive performance I have seen.  Ever.

What I enjoyed the most, though, was that the entire theme surrounded around musicicians.  Not just the circus performers, but actual musicians – a bassist from the Ukraine not only performed but composed the “script”; a xylophonist who seemed to enjoy being in the background but then is coerced on stage to perform beautifully.  There was a vocalist, who’s singing abilities matched her beauty and an accordianist who, well, just wow.  Wow wow wow!

I found myself saying out loud – “no way” and “oh my!” and WOW!”

Each and every moment built upon the last and just when you think it can’t get better, it does.

A rope act, juggling, dance, acrobats, and hoop artists …

Sensual, personal, moving, and at times, sad …

I fought back tears at times and found myself wooping with the best of them at others.

I cannot thank this circus enough for bringing such a wonderful performance to my heart.

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Reoccuring Dreams

It all began just over 5 years ago, just after my dad died.

I had dreams so realistic, so emotional, I sometimes wondered if they were dreams or just memories.

Only if they were real they would be awful.

I dreamt last night that my dad was alive.  Again.

He had died.  I did his eulogy.  I led my family in planning the funeral. These things happened in real life and were a part of my past in my reoccuring dream.

But then, somehow, he was alive again.

Walking, talking, alive.  Still sick and dying, but not dead.

And then he died again.  And I am stuck dealing with all these emotions all over again.  The disbelief, the shock, the anger, then overwhelming sadness.

Even as I type, tears stream down my face.

His death was such a significant blow to my immediate family.  It destroyed each of us – my brother, my sister, my mom and I.  We each went our own way in dealing with it.

And I haven’t had to relive this (in a dream) for quite some time.

This dream was an indicator of how deep my depression was and always meant my meds needed to be adjusted.

But I am at the end of it all!  It isn’t fair or right to have this dream again.  I was done with dealing with the grief of losing my father.  How dare I have a dream of him living and dying again??

In this dream, I was surrounded by childhood friends, laughing and having fun.  Then my dad dies.  I am so angry by this that I refuse to participate in the funeral planning, much less give a eulogy.

I woke up from this dream, with the feeling that I had been sobbing for hours – the same feeling I had when my dad did die.  The feeling of sublime reality – is this what my life is to be like from now on?

I hate this dream.  I much prefer the ones where I have to go back to college to finish up a class (in spite of having a graduate degree – which is strange because I keep saying in this dream that I have a graduate degree but that I must finish one class to get my bachelor degree).  Or the classic forgetting your locker combination in high school.

 

 

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