Archive for November, 2010

I wrote this on June 15, 2010.  I never posted it (at least I don’t think I did.  I am too lazy right now to go back and check).  But I personally can’t stand having things unfinished sitting around (see my other post today – what I ddn’t post there though is that stuff sitting around weighs on me.)  So I decided to publish.


Both kids have had chronic ear infections.  Bubba Joe had tubes placed when he was 6 months old but had to have them again.

Giant Baby has been on an antibiotic for over 6 months.

They can both thank me for crappy eustachian tubes.  I had chronic ear infections as a child too.

Both children went in today to have tubes placed and their adenoids removed.

This is not a post though about why to do this or why not.  Or why we scheduled both kids on the same day.  Or how it came about.

Nope.  This is instead a post of how horrible today was.

Giant Baby went first.  She was okay.  I stayed with her until the gas took affect and she slept.  Her eyes were so scared.  But I was brave and kept it together.  Bubba Joe was scared but I was able to sing him “Sofia’s Sunshine Song” (you are my sunshine) and calm him.

He pulled through everything with no problem.

She, on the other hand … came to and started bleeding from the nose.  They thought they had it stopped … then it gushed.  I have blood stains on my clothing.  They then took her for a second operation to clean everything up and I believe they cauterised the wounds.

After the second operation, she was much better.

But she smells.

It’s a smell I had forgotten but one I wish I never would have known.

It is the smell I associate with death and hospitals.

It is the smell my dad had while in the hospital before he died.

I don’t know how to describe it, other than once you smell it, you know it.

I don’t think I have cried so hard in such a long time, with absolute fear for my children.  I can with absolute certainty say that the fear of losing a parent is much less than the fear of losing a child.  My fears, thankfully, were put to rest when she pulled through.

But she’s been not quite herself yet … I will give her a bit more time until I really worry.

Today truly sucked.  And somehow I thought that writing it out and sharing it with you it might ease my heart, but sadly it has not.  It is just sitting there.  I look forward to tomorrow, in hopes that both children will feel better – and I will write more about Bubba Joe’s complications.  (Cause, you know, I can never do things the easy way so why should my kids)

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or lack there of.

I am having a hard time focusing on things.  Knitting for example – I have finished up some great projects but am just unable to complete stuff.  I now have an unmentionable amount of unfinished knitting … things just sitting around waiting for just the last few inches of my handiwork.  And I just don’t want to finish them.

I have started numerous other projects, only to run into the same problem.

I don’t want to finish.

And nope, doesn’t matter if I take on something smaller.

But I guess when I think about it, it might just have something to do with the current things going on right now in my life.

Bubba Joe recently underwent intensive testing through Dülmen’s early intervention.  He has been in speech therapy for about 2 months but one assessment suspected he might also need physical therapy.  His ped recommended contacting EI for their input.  Turns out we were on the right track from the beginning – speech therapy.  No more, no less.

He scored well with ability to concentrate and fine-motor skills.  But then again we are talking about the kid who started to learn how to play chess at 1.5 years (due of course to his Opa looking for someone willing to play him), builds with anything and everything he can find, and draws well, beautifully.  (He so did not get that from me.  His dad, though, is a pretty good drawer – dude, that sounds like he’s a drawer in a chest of drawers, but I mean draw-er.  You know what I mean.)

He did not score well in gross motor – such as catching a ball.  But we don’t play ball.  That just might have something to do with it.  And he scored low on the one area where he should tie shoelaces.  But those are both areas we can work on at home.  Woohoo.

The assessment brought out lots of memories of his birth and the first 2 years of his life.  In retrospect, they were f-ing hard.

As for the rest of us, Giant Baby is a true cuddle-bucket.  Which is adorable.  To a point.  She also has a temper (wonder where she got that from).  And she knows what she wants.  She has learned some ASL (american sign language) and is darned good at telling you what she wants or needs.

After 20 months, she is now weaned from breastfeeding.  I wasn’t sure how I would feel, seeing that I nursed Bubba Joe from birth until she was born – nearly 4.5 years of milk-making.  I guess it really is no wonder I feel so out of it.

Oh, and perhaps the biggest news?  We are looking at a temporary relocation to Minsk.

Where is that you might ask?  Well, it is where David, Phoebe’s true love, runs off to instead of marrying her for scientific research.  David.  Phoebe.  Friends.  Get it?

BJD has been travelling there for quite some time now.  We thought his travel would slow down but it seems his input is only increasing his need to be there.  It has become increasingly difficult on the kids (and us) with him being gone so much.  He leaves very early Monday morning, coming back late on Thursdays (and is getting ready to leave again tomorrow).  His travel is weekly.

We don’t have the offer from his firm yet, but anticipate it this week.  (Of course I have been saying that the past 2 weeks so we’ll see.)

Before sitting down and writing this out, I really was wondering if I was okay.  If I needed to adjust my ppd meds or what … but now I realize that there really are a lot of things going on right now, both emotionally and physically, that provide some groundwork for my feelings.

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