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Archive for October 29th, 2008

The ugly truth

I am a mean jealous person.

I am.

Maybe you never knew it (maybe you did).

Oh, and I’m bitter. Baby, I am one bitter person.

Where is all this coming from?

My sister in law is pregnant. She didn’t know. She wasn’t trying. In fact, she was not trying. Her son is well, a difficult child. He’s just way different than Bubba Joe – who enjoys reading books and drawing and being creative and playing the piano and running around.

Oh, and she’s almost done with her first trimester before she even suspects that she’s pregnant.

And I hate her.

There.

I said it.

I hate her.

We busted our asses. We’ve been through hell and back with Bubba Joe’s pregnancy. I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times we went back and forth as to whether to try again. I mean, the risks may be low, but they’re there. They’re higher, than say, my sister in law’s.

I mean, at some point, isn’t there a risk that I may lose it all? My life? My child’s life? My Bubba Joe?

And there she is, not even trying and finding herself pregnant. No prenatals taken before getting pregnant. No high-risk pregnancy for her.

But for me.

It’s all there for me.

I don’t want to be reminded of how inadequate my body is during pregnancy.

I’m reminded of that daily when I have to take my BP 3x. Or when I poke my finger to draw blood and check my sugar levels. Or of all the many appointments with doctors to keep an overview on my health.

And there she is – barely 9 weeks behind me.

And I feel mean and hurtful and spiteful and bitter.

I hate preeclampsia.

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