BF, PPD and CDing

Breasteeding while suffering from Post Partum Depression and Cloth Diapering.

Just in case you weren’t sure what those meant.

Feel free to skip this post if you don’t want to hear about boobs, brains or butts.  (I am cracking myself up here – are you laughing yet?  BJD insists I am not funny.  I remind him often that I am – just ask G or her hubby – they’ll tell you how often I have told them too that I am funny.)

Little Girl, aka Giant Baby, turns 1 at the end of this month.  While I nursed her older brother until she was born, I did not have intentions of her nursing this long.  My body never fully recovered from her pregnancy and I now have chronic hypertension – which I take meds for.  And breastfeeding with postpartum depression can have its benefits.  It can also wreck havoc.

Giant Baby, or GB, loves to nurse.  She’s pretty good about how and when to do it too – pretty much only when we are getting ready to go down for a nap or night time.  We nurse pretty much exclusively in bed, not anywhere else.  (I did the same with her brother and never really nursed in public, not because I was afraid to but because circumstances never presented themselves.)

I have no idea how to wean – and  am not convinced  I want to.  I mean, I know I am not ready to, but I had seriously thought that by this time I would have given it more thought.

I like to have a plan.

And more importantly, I like to have options.

She drinks water from a cup – sometimes.  I mean, she gets a cup daily, filled with water with a nice little flouride tablet (if I remember – must.remember.to.give.flouride as tap water here is not flourinated).  But lots of times she enjoys spitting half of it out or letting it dribble out or, yeah she has a new toy – her tongue.

So far though, I have been able to manage both my high bp and PPD with meds that are compatible with breastfeeding.

Cloth diapering – started it with Bubba Joe and am continuing with GB.  We used to use prefolds — you know, those pieces of fabric that are rectangular shaped with a thicker piece in teh middle that you fold up usually in thirds then pin together and put rubber pants on over it?  Yeah, those.

Then I received my first fitted for free – and I was hooked.  Or snappied.  Or pinned.  (Seriously, I gotta stop – I might wake up GB and then she’ll want the boob again and I am trying to write a post here!!!)

I just wanted to talk about CDing not because I had anything really to say about it but because it seemed to fill out the subject of this post.  Shallow?  Naw, I don’t think there’s enough depth for that (ha – there I go again.  See?  I AM funny.)

Doing what’s right isn’t always easy

As most of us know, doing the right thing does not always make us feel good.

Nor does it make us popular, nor pretty, nor rich … not in the material way at least.

But once again, Mrs. Spit has come up with an amazing post that addresses many issues – including one near and dear to my heart – preeclampsia.

Me, I am one of the lucky ones.  I have 2 living children who I can hug and cuddle and yell at and parent every day.  It was not my faith in God or a belief in Christ that allowed my body to tolerate preeclampsia – to prevent my kidneys from failing more than they already were, for my heart to function within a tolerable range (albeit my BPs ranged from lows in the 140/90s to highs well above 180/110).

No dear friends, it had nothing to do with God’s kindness or my being a good person.

Because trust me, while my faith is solid right now, it hasn’t always been.  And while I am a Christian, I do not believe there is but one way to God.

So there.  I am putting it out there, for all the world to read (cause, you know, there are oh so few blogs out there to go through to get to mine) that I 100% support a woman’s right to choose – even though sometimes it really is NOT a choice.

I, thankfully, did NOT have to choose between my life or my child’s.

But don’t think for a second that it was not a conversation that BJD and I didn’t have.  Because we did.  Twice.  Once during each pregnancy.

And while, in theory it may seem noble to say that I would die for my child to live, risking having a child so early that life is not without many many many complications, with many of them leading to death, no my friends, I choose life.

And maybe it is because I had witnessed my father’s last breath – I watched him suffer and die the same week Bubba Joe was conceived.

Either way, faith did not save me.

I was lucky.

Wow. 3 days in a row?

Not sure what’s wrong, but I hope this is a trend that will continue.  I have missed writing here – and missed hearing from all ya’ll and moreso, missed reading blogs.

Part of my hiding is that I have chosen to not know what is going on in the world.  This is a first for me.  Never have I secluded myself from the goings on in the world.  But I found myself becoming too emotionally attached to hearing stories of despair and sadness.

My goal is to be able to write here more often, read more from some of my favorite bloggers and contribute once again on the PF boards.  Each of these things have provided support for me in the past.  And I can either sit here and knit and hide in my little corner of the world, or I can do that AND try to be a member of the big world out there.

Let’s see how I manage …

Hanging in there …

Don’t really know what to say but I am hanging in there.  Most days are manageable.  I am seeing a therapist now.  It was interesting.  It is interesting.

She had me fill out a questionnaire to measure my depression.  To answer most of the questions took more thought than I anticipated.  I realized that I try to avoid thinking about feelings.  I no longer try to figure things out but move more on auto-pilot.

So on that note of not talking or dealing with emotions, here’s some more knitting pictures and one or two of the kiddoes:

Happy Birth Day!

Just giving a shout out to Niki and sending HUGE congrats to her family!!!  What an absolute blessing!!! I am so overwhelmed with joy for ya’ll.

Over on my front, I am knitting like mad still.  Here’s a few things I’ve finished:

That’s just January’s stuff – and that doesn’t include what’s on the needles as we speak (a blanket by EZ herself, another sweater for Giant Baby (which is the new name for her, given of course, by Bubba Joe), my very first shawl and I think that’s it)

My first post in 2010 – a bit late

Here I am, thinking of all the things I should write about, all the excuses for not coming around and the bottom line comes down to me just not wanting to.

You see, it’s nothing personal.

Honest.

I just was working my ass off trying to keep my head above water.

And there was a time when I wasn’t sure I was gonna make it.

Knitting?  It has saved me.

I am officially a knitting fool.  Really.  I am.  I cannnot get over how such a simple thing as string and a stick can make such lovely creations.  There is a planning period, a buying period (always fun in my book), the trial period of casting on and ripping out stitches, and then the knitting.  I take great pleasure in learning new techniques – and as in so many other aspects of my life, I learn the hard way.

Oh I have made many many mistakes.  Even BJD was impressed (his words, not mine) that I was so willing to joyfully rip out stitches that I had so painstakingly knit.

But I knew it would be worth it.

I knew that in destroying my work, I would try to find the reason for my mistake, so I could learn to either 1) avoid it, or 2) more realistically learn to fix it (because I tend to make the same mistakes many times in my life before experiencing that duh! moment).

My postpartum depression is still here.  What can I say about it? Guess I don’t want to say much except to acknowledge its presence in my life.

I think I am turning into a loner.  I mean, being an expat stuck in small town Germany probably doesn’t help much.  But I am enjoying the solitude of knitting.  The aloneness that my depression cannot enter.

I have my first “real” therapy appointment next week.  I truly fear what will come.  I realize now that I have spent the last 4 years in denial of my dad’s death.  I mean, yes, I know he’s gone but moving overseas really helps avoid dealing.

I’d like to give a shout out to Mrs. Spit.  I have been a long time follower of her blog (because I like how she writes).  We are virtual friends, having both survived preeclampsia.  Mrs. Spit – while I was in hiding the past month or so, I thought often of  you and your precious Gabriel.  Your strength and courage (though I realize you did not choose to be strong or to have courage – that choice was not given to you) are a daily reminder to me that life is worth living.

Little Girl is asleep.  In our now family bed.  She is not little anymore.  Bubba Joe and his dad have nicknamed her Giant Baby – as in watch out Bubba Joe – here comes the Giant Baby!  (At 10 months of age she weighs almost 10kg, crawls everywhere and has 8 teeth.  Oh, and she likes to yell at her dad.  wonder where she gets that from???)

Some pictures

My first time knitting – and I made a scarf!

and then I made a matching hat

and then I tried knitting a few things that got frogged.

Then I finished up this scarf and am working on a sweater for Little Girl and another scarf (scarves will be holiday presents this year).

Language confusion

Dude.

I wrote scarfs.

Is that even a word?

Isn’t it supposed to be scarVes?

Ugh.

Time is flying

and I’m learning to knit.

A few quick(ish) updates:

• I am doing okay PPD-wise.  My household help’s last day was more than 2 weeks ago.  Last week (the last week of September) was quite rough.  It was the 4 year anniversary of my dad’s death.  He died on the 25th and was buried on the 30th.  October 1st is always a breath of fresh air.
• Bubba Joe is loving preschool.  And we recently cut his hair – super short in a real boy cut.  We’ll let it grow again though – I miss his curls.
• Little Girl is full of teeth (8) and has many rolls.  She’s amazing.  ”Our” lullaby is You Are My Sunshine – and she really is.
• BJD came home on Friday with flowers.  And we didn’t even … well, you know.  He said it was just because.  And I think it really was!

So let me try to upload some pics for you to enjoy!!!

Oh yeah, my knitting is coming along.  I’ve mastered the art of frogging (aka ripping out stitches).  And I’ve learned that I am not ready to knit a sweater (a big duh! moment – ask me how I know).  So right now, I’m working on 2 scarfs – if you’re on ravelry you can keep up with my knitting there!!

Okay.  I tried uploading pics and for whatever reason it’s way slow.  I promise to upload some … soon.

Knitting

I’m taking up knitting.

Don’t laugh.

Maybe you don’t realize that it could be funny.

BJD looks at me with a small smile everytime he sees me with my needles.

And I’m with them often.  :)

Last week I started learning.  So far, I’ve learned to cast on, bind off, knit and purl.  They say that with those basics I can do anything.

Sure.

I can do all those things.

Just not always in the proper order.

For example, in my practice swatch (which BTW I’ve been working on for the past week), I have created holes where there shouldn’t be, added stiches when I didn’t mean too and can’t seem to find others where they should be.

But all in all, it’s fun.  And relaxing.  And rewarding.

Tonight was my second class.

And “She” (i.e. my russian-german teacher/store owner of my LYS (local yarn store for you non-knitting peeps)) is letting me start a scarf.

Yay!!!

So for now, I’m mastering my “knit” stich.

It’s a beautiful scarf made with beautiful yarn – Lana Grossa I think – all in the “knit” stich (or right stich if you’re in Germany).

And once I finish my scarf for me, I’m gonna make one for BJD.

And Bubba Joe.

And probably a few relatives.

Homemade Christmas presents here we come.